Are You Betraying Yourself?
This is the question that Oprah Winfrey brought forward last night when I had the fortune to see her live.
You will know the answer pretty much right away upon reading the question. And if you are really honest, you will notice if you try to tell yourself no…when really the answer is yes. We cannot lie to our inner voice. If you are brave enough to admit yes, if this is the case, then I applaud you. It is not an easy thing to look at our shadow.
For myself I would say, I was for a lot of my life, but as of late, no. Actually, that is a lie. Over all the answer is no…but in some areas yes. Which brings up a good point, it isn’t a black and white statement. It’s totally possible to be betraying ourselves in some areas, and not in others.
I was brought to see Oprah live by my parents. It was a very kind and a little surprising gesture on their part. Especially the fact that it was my father’s idea! My dad has been the most challenging relationship of my life. We are polar opposites. He is a domineering figure. I am a free spirit with a big personality. This made him threatened (in my opinion). I can only see that now as an adult.
The other day when I was with them (not last night) but on 2x occasions within the last 6 weeks actually, he “shushed” me! The first time I was so stunned that I “toned down my joyful exuberance” and tried to continue on without letting myself feel deflated. I did a pretty good job of not reacting (if I do say so myself). The “old me” would have cried and or stewed about that for a long while. Instead I just took note and analyzed the situation. “Isn’t it interesting I thought. That pretty much defines how he treated me for my whole life. You’re too loud he said.”
The second time it wasn’t as obvious, he was sitting further away and did it in a less obvious way (I’m positive he didn’t even notice that I NOTICED him do it) but I did…oh yes I did. My eyes are wide open now! The 2nd time I just noticed out of the corner of my eye, and pretended that I didn’t, and carried on thinking how it was progress that I hadn’t even give it any energy that time.
I’ve got to tell you though, if/when he does it again who knows what will happen, but I’m not afraid to confront him anymore. “How dare you try and suppress me for just BEING MYSELF – my playful, bubbly, joyful self” is how I imagine it might go. Cause bottom line – I AM SICK OF THAT SHIT!
I feel he is threatened because he is locked in a box of constricted energy, and when I allow myself to fully embody my glorious feminine wildness he just can’t handle it. So he tries to push it down. Sound familiar? Like maybe the EXACT thing that has/continues to/won’t for much longer be happening on the planet as a whole? The oppressive energy of the out of balance masculine trying to contain the expansive power of the feminine?
So ya, I was surprised when they wanted to take me on a special date, to an event they thought I would like. I love my parents, and they love me too. That being said, the very fact that they do love me and want to keep me near AND they also don’t really understand/accept me as I am, has been the foundation for me betraying myself.
It was easier for me to live on the other side of the country. And I tell myself it would be easier if we didn’t have a good relationship at all, and that they didn’t want to see me often. Because at least then I would feel free to do as I please and not give a damn about what they thought. (People who have lost their parents or have fractured relationships with them might find that to be a selfish thought. I get that.) However, the reason it has even crossed my mind is because the very fact that they try to keep me near makes me feel suffocated. When I was across the country it made me feel like I had more space to grow and expand my energy. As an empath, I’m very sensitive to subtle energies. Living in the same city as them again I can just feel their energy. I even feel a reprieve from it when they go travel. At the heart of what the whole thing is pushing up against for me is the concept of betrayal actually. By being around them and feeling like I am not seen or appreciated just as I am it makes me feel betrayed. But on the flip side, I feel like “coming out” to the world about how their suppressive energies shaped my path feels like I am betraying them.
I have allowed my concern over how me being a big voice in the World would affect them stop me from coming forward and speaking my truth. My truth that doesn’t make them necessarily look “very good”. But the fact of the matter is, I cannot continue to betray myself any longer for fear of how it might affect them.
We do this though right? We make ourselves small or polite or polished or professional so that no one gets uncomfortable. Well guess what!? THAT makes me uncomfortable!!!
To play “happy family” when no one ever bothered to apologize or even acknowledge the bullshit suppression/abuse/walking on egg-shells/bullying that went down for 30+ years!?!?
They know how I feel now at least. And yet, it still doesn’t feel resolved. Now they’re like “can’t you just get over it”? Which is a fair question. And I have made headway in this area. I no longer blame them. And I no longer blame myself. This is the HIGHEST PERSPECTIVE. And yet, none of us can do anything about the fact that it is what went down. That is the part I am moving into now. Learning how to feel ok about talking about it. For the sake of simply speaking my truth and from my own experiences.
Oprah did this. She talked about her strained relationship with her mother. And she talked about her abuse, which was sexual, where as mine was emotional/mental. Either way. She told her story, she spoke her truth to thousands. Which is what I have to do too.
My guess is that if you are one of the BOLD BEAUTIES that I am reaching out to you know EXACTLY what I mean! You are the leaders, the rule-breakers, the outsiders. I applaud you! You didn’t let the others hold you down. Or maybe you did? At least on some level?
Either way….I’m here for you. I see you. I get you. And I appreciate you!!!
You are my people. And we are the ones who are changing the world.
I send gratitude to my parents for taking me to see the living legend. I certainly was inspired. That is what we must do in order to get our message/gifts out to the world. We must fill up with inspiration….and then share it.
For the rest of the week I will be sharing more about the wisdom Oprah channeled and how it relates to me. So stick around for that coolness. Also, I did a live-stream today around the same idea. I will be continuing to speak on these topics also, come and check it out on my FB page: