Are you Lighting up or Dimming Down?
What have you told yourself it is too late for? What is the thing that really lights you up and makes you happy…but for whatever reason you don’t go after it? What lies have you bought into that tell you you are too old? Not good looking enough? Not qualified enough? It’s a “pipe dream”?
For me that thing is to perform. My whole life my favourite thing in the world has been music. I have always been gifted in the ways of song & dance. To express myself freely in these ways bring me the most pure joy I have known. And yet, I have held myself back from getting out there and going for it for TOO LONG! I had suppressed my natural desires because of the bull-shit programming of others that I bought into and became my own.
As a child my sister and I would choreograph dance numbers and perform together in front of the mirror in our basement. I loved it so much! To be artistic…For a long time I would just listen to music through my ear-buds, and would imagine in my mind’s eye choreography that would accompany it. I could feel it coming to life inside me. My SECRET DREAM was to always be a pop-star. A part of me is still sad that it “didn’t happen”. (Well d’uh – I didn’t happen because it didn’t MAKE it happen by taking action. It didn’t happen because I didn’t CALL IT IN and CLAIM IT as already done!!)
As children we are easily influenced by the thoughts and views of those around us. I remember that my sister told me once when we were singing that I wasn’t good. It really hurt me. I wasn’t strong enough in myself to question her opinion (which I see was most likely jealousy). So I just took it as truth. I’m not revealing this to drag her through the mud. I am revealing this to highlight the fact that sometimes something “inconsequential” can have a massive impact on us. We can take on someone else’s truth as our own without even realizing it.
Now as an adult, I have this voice inside me that says “it’s too late”, “you’re too old”, “it’s too hard” etc. The same voice that kept me from pursuing my passion all these years. And yet, my desire doesn’t die. How can it? It is my REAL TRUTH. The one underneath the societal conditioning in place to keep us small and dis-empowered. It will never go away because it is my love. So I have a choice to make. Do I accept the fact that I “missed my windows of opportunity” and live with regret gnawing away at me? Or do I bravely say FUCK IT…and take a small step into the unknown?
I choose that latter. I mentioned in the blog a couple days ago that live-streaming is the next frontier for me to conquer. When I mentioned it I was referring to coming on live and allowing a wisdom download to come through to share with the World. I feel this may be a part of it. However, doing that would still not make me feel complete. Only by letting myself be vulnerable enough to put myself out there in my MOST AUTHENTIC way (in song & dance) will I be free.
I dabbled with performing along my journey. I used to sing in a couple of choirs. I did vocal jazz. I had a solo at the Vancouver Jazz Fest one year. A “conscious rap” I wrote for the performance. I even managed to get up the courage to do one open-mic where I sang acapella “Nina Simone – Feeling Good”. These were all good things…and yet, I didn’t continue. I didn’t continue because I couldn’t see how they were “getting me anywhere”. I was missing the POINT!
The point is to do the thing you love – simply for the sake of it!!! It’s not a linear situation. Without a doubt doing the thing you love will permeate the other aspects of your life and fill you up. Doing the thing you love could even lead to opening the doors to your wildest dreams. The thing to remember – is not to do them only if they will create result A, B and C. When we are so focused on only certain outcomes, we block the other possible infinite outcomes.
And so, regardless of that little voice, that fear that tells me “not to try” and “what’s the point” I am bravely going to STEP UP and step into a more exalted, expressed and free version of myself. Fuck the “consequences”. I am going to expose myself to the masses and risk judgment and rejection. Because I have to. Because whatever the World can throw at me at this point can’t be as hard as continuing to live my life and not express my true essence. My true essence of a performer, a dancer, a singer, an artist.
I am going to take the plunge…will you?
xo Sara Devine