Today’s Work Today!
I used to get PARALYZED by the essence of “not knowing what to do”. I spent years numbing myself out and suppressing myself from being expressed & doing my purpose work. I would go to work at my job managing the guest services desk at a yoga studio (which I loved by the way, and was really good at), but when I got home I would put myself into a bubble of self-destruction, that was masking as a bubble of safety. I had this dual life. Complete Juxtaposition. This alter ego that no one knew anything about.
The thought I always remember running through my mind was “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know”. Because I didn’t know WHAT to do…I did nothing instead. It feels so heavy and makes my heart sad to write this. Thinking of that wounded young adult. Her life so full of promise and yet trapped by the immense pain she had endured.
I would watch t.v. And smoke joint after joint (sometimes cigarettes) and eat junk food. I couldn’t just have one escapism – no, I had to have them all!
That is a good way to sum up how I have always felt. All or nothing. When I do something I dive right in. I am fully immersed. I was really good at being self-destructive. I read a quote a few weeks back that said “Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction”. I was like, wow, that is one of the most accurate statements I have ever heard. That was my life. An empath who was never taught about/shown boundaries.
What I didn’t understand during those dark days is that we DON’T KNOW! We’re not supposed to know. The journey is to learn trust by taking steps towards are dreams EVEN THOUGH…we don’t know how to get there. Only by taking the steps (which can never be wrong by the way) do we get there. Does that path begin to unfold. And so we must bravely choose to decide that it is worth it to start off into the darkness of the unknown and BELIEVE that we will find the light.
It’s making me emotional writing this, as I am still shedding that girl. She was a part of me for so long. I am beyond happy that I can look her in the rear view now. She taught me a lot. I feel like I am getting distracted from my point, at this point. But of course, that’s not true at all. What is actually happening is the Universe is SHOWING me the energy that I sat down to express.
What my message is today is that we need to give ourselves a break! To chill the fuck out a little bit. To learn how to LET today’s message be today’s message. To let today’s work be today’s work. I have put so much pressure on myself trying to get crystal clear on what my message to the world is (as I know that one of my roles is a messenger). But the “problem” has been that the message keeps changing! The expression of it keeps changing! And so I think that I must be doing something wrong!
It’s hilarious when I read that back now, like d’uh…life IS change! We all know this. It’s evident all around us, and yet I was making myself wrong for never feeling like I could land on one thing. When really, that’s not who I am! Just like how the dark-side version of myself had to have ALL of the destruction, the light-side version of myself has to have ALL the expression. Pick a lane? No, I don’t have to pick a lane! The World is my lane and it needs ME to be EXACTLY as I am, all wild and crazy and constantly changing! A chameleon to my core.
I had a revelation this week. While working with my coach I FINALLY got clarity. She said, “your message is nothing more that than the things you think about/witness/ponder/observe”. AKA – your message changes! It’s not going to be the same every day…cause you’re not the same every day. I was struggling with the whole “what is my message thing” because I thought that I had to pick one (um….impossible) and then draw tidy little lines back to it every day. I know that the THEME of my message is EMPOWERMENT. On that much I was clear, and it was a theme I could go with because it is so broad. And yet I would still fret that every day when I show up to the World and share that it wouldn’t be completely evident that I was sharing the SAME message.
When really, the common thread is ME! No matter what I share as long as I am doing so authentically (which I know I always will – it comes back to my all or nothing thing. Before, I shared nothing, I hid. But now that I have broken free of those chains I HAVE to share everything. If I don’t that is what will keep me feeling bound and inauthentic). As long as I am showing up authentically and sharing what ever is coming through in that moment – then THAT is today’s message.
And the work is to ALLOW the message to be the message. Without filtering it, without worrying that it will sound crazy (cause you will – if you’re doing it properly) and without going back to make sure it all “makes sense”. You trust that by showing up and acting as the channel, as the messenger, that you are doing today’s work today.
There’s a part of me that is definitely fretting even after writing that, and I know it’s the truth! There’ s a part of me that wants to go back to the beginning part and give more of the back-story. There’s a part of me that worries that people reading this are going to think you’re unstable! That is a concern I have held for a long time. That’s part of the reason that I held back for so long. Feeling like my expression was too “all over the place”, “too erratic”, “too much”. And yet…that’s my ESSENCE, a fairy spirit who likes to flit around merrily, so how can that be wrong?
It’s time for me to get ready for hot yoga now. And I will disregard that part of me that says “that was all over the place” and trust that I did today’s work today. I let today’s message be today’s message, and express itself EXACTLY as it was meant to. The job of the messenger is not to question the message…but rather deliver it. And so there you have it, from my heart to yours.
At the moment I am accepting inner circle clients to work with me at the most intimate level. This entails unlimited accessing to coaching. It is a year-long commitment for those who are ready to move to the NEXT LEVEL VERSION of themselves. If you resonate with me…and you are a bad-ass who won’t quit, can’t quit, then message me to chat, and we can see if it’s a fit 🙂