Trying Ain’t Gonna Get U There…
I am so sick of trying! Yoda is right to say “do or do not, there is no try”. The concept of trying is flawed from the get-go. It goes against the Laws of Nature. When we “try” we are keeping ourselves LOCKED in a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we place emphasis on trying we continue to create the energy of trying, which in its very essence is never there!
When we approach something with the intention of trying we set ourselves up for failure & struggle & for the feeling of hitting our head against a wall repeatedly..
It will leave us always feeling unsatisfied. Incomplete. When the higher truth & reality is that we are ALREADY complete. And the cool part is, we get to DECIDE whether or not to believe that or not.
And so, on this day, Wednesday August 7, 2019, I do publicly declare that I am done with trying. I shall replace my addiction to trying with an addiction to trusting. I am now entering an exclusive relationship with TRUST.
It doesn’t matter what transpires. From now on I am defaulting, deferring to trust, no matter what. She is my lady. I trust her as she is and always has been available for us…to declare…to create…to unite with.
When we try it tires us out. Always striving. Always wanting to be somewhere we are not. Whereas, if we choose lady trust we are ALREADY there. (And in another dimension this is true. In another dimension we are ALREADY living out our dream life. In every way. No compromises necessary.)
And how do we get to this place in the here and now? In the physical realm? Not by trying to get there dear souls (for to attempt this is only to highlight the fact that you DO NOT feel like you are already there). But by TUNING IN to trust. You can, and would be wise to actually think of it AS tuning in. Set your dial to trust. Let that radio frequency radiate to all & sundry. (I have no idea why I am writing like this – and it’s awesome! For I am writing from trust).
I am not attempting to get anything or do anything. I am simply showing up for the practice of writing, and sharing my essence, because I must.
This is such a liberating feeling to CLAIM. It is the opposite to the internal dialogue that was running my whole life. Theoretically I understood that choosing trust was the “right thing to do”. I wanted to. I TRIED to (HAHAHA) and yet…did I feel it inside? Could I own it whole-heartedly? No
In fact it is only recently, as in the last several months, that I have fully broken through to that place. Of trust. In its fullness. In its tests. In all of its glory. Before I sat down to write this (and wrestled my resistance into submission) I was feeling into the analogy of myself as a sponge.
I was sitting to meditate in my body that is feeling worse for wear. It was feeling broken there for a very long time. On one level, on one level I was playing out horrific health crisis. And yet on another I was in pure harmony & center. (One thing I know to be very true of my experience is its sheer dichotomy, and paradox. I have been able to have the awareness & experience of both my higher self & human self simultaneously.) This is how we all have it mind you, but I feel I am unique perhaps in being able to look back (or feel into currently) experiences through both lenses.
So back to the sponge…
In June I went to see a doctor specializing in trauma. Of which I had much. I was soooo very relieved to find out about him. I could tell that my breakthrough with him would be major. I listened to my gut. The money wasn’t an object. I knew I had to see this man for the blessing would be invaluable.
I found out about him because I was feeling like a dirty sponge. All clogged up. I had injured myself in hot yoga (my home, my sanctuary, my church). The place where I felt the best in the World. Suddenly it turned on me and I lost my center.
It is really CRAZY how perfectly our body mirrors exactly what is going on for us internally. I was off my path. I was going in the wrong direction. I was “trying” to “make it” in the world of e-commerce. (So hilarious if you really know me). Could not be more opposite to who I am. And yet I was scared, I was following the money. And yet, I don’t know why I bothered, because my soul pulled me back (as she always does) and was like, “girl, why are you wasting your time over there, when you know you’re never going to be able to feel free. To feel peace.) And she was right, because ultimately these are my driving factors. Always have been, always will be.
So I was going the wrong way, and my body revolted. A “simple” turn of my foot in a pose (from a place of disconnection and force I might add – so unlike the me of the past…), and my pelvis went into “lock-down”. (I only learned this was the term about a year later – but let me tell you – that’s EXACTLY what it felt like).
I could no longer sway my hips, my energetic center vanished, I was lost. I didn’t know what to do.
I kept showing up. I kept going to hot yoga. It was a hard road. I looked for physical therapists to help me, but nothing was taking. Nothing was deep enough to take me all the way back. Back to the beginning.
That is what the doctor in June achieved. My body & being were full to the brim from all the years of trying and healing and refusing to say die.
Your emotional trauma started in the womb he told me, at 9 months! It’s called “The Grudge” he told me. It’s a scenario in which your Soul “freaks the fuck out” when it realizes it has condensed it’s infinite self down into a limited size.
Not only that, but it is now in a space/time continuum that is built upon trauma!
From that point on I was pissed at the World, at myself, at my body.
“Yup! That sounds about right”, I said.
He cleared it. It was time. I worked my ass of to get here. Not in a conventional sense really, but in a soul work superstar kind of way. Even though I was creating it (without really realizing that for most of the time) I still knew that it SUCKS THE BIG ONE not to feel the peace & ease & trust inside. I knew it was available and I had to have it!
After that session I can finally say that I do. He actually rebooted my nervous system. Being born into an emotionally abusive environment had wired my body into fight or flight mode (hello, anxiety much!?). This is a serious situation people, we are only ever meant to be operating from the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) for several minutes max. The rest of the time we must return to the para-sympathetic nervous system (the rest & digest), in order to maintain harmony & homeostasis.
Well what do you do when you are born into fight or flight and your nervous system never gets a chance to develop a foundation of relaxation? You struggle…a lot. It’s rough, your body takes a beating. All of this was true. As I laid on his table like a broken bird, I allowed myself to graciously accept that my life would now be different.
And I was right. I almost can’t believe it, because it was such a long time coming, but I am different now. At my core. That crazy unsettled-ness has subsided. It’s almost a little “unnerving” because it was there for so long. I can feel my ego being confused. And I like it.
Now this sponge is being rung out. I have also found an osteopath who is helping me TREMENDOUSLY. Because of the misalignment that surfaced during yoga (but at a core level I feel needed to and is really a blessing) my body felt like it went through the blender. This is where the analogy of the sponge came from. My body is continually changing now. Every day it feels different, a bit weird and strange and vulnerable, but also more relaxed and at ease.
It feels so good not to worry about the aches and twists and pains anymore, because they are leaving me now. They are being rung out, I am being twisted clear. My spine, my center, my core, all finally aligning with my truth.
And you know when it all shifted? How I brought myself back from the brink? When I decided to trust. To trust that no matter what I wasn’t going to waste any more time going in the wrong direction. Against my true heart’s desire. Against being fully expressed, as myself. I DECIDED that I just have to trust that me being myself fully & sharing myself freely with the world is the only way for me to be. Because, how can that be wrong?
P.S. I want to hear from you! If you’re VIBING me – let me know 😉 Where in your life are you feeling like you need to be “rung out”? Start fresh? Become A NEW? Let me know – I can help (trust me – I have gone down ALL the wrong paths – so I can impart to you what ACTUALLY works when you want to break free) and #livelifeonyourownterms.
Love You! xo Miss Sara Devine